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Wife Aggro
By Kay Bonikowsky Monday, December 8th, 2008
Wife Aggro. For the non-gamers, I will explain. Wife aggro is the term used when a wife becomes irritated with and aggressive toward her husband’s chosen activity. This hostile behavior can be expressed with sour looks, whining, revenge, nagging, yelling tirades, tears, pouting or cold shoulders. Although a gaming term, wife aggro is provoked by any number of spouse activities: football, golf, smoking, laying around, hanging out with friends, playing video games, gambling, even car washing! Any activity she doesn’t like or deem “right” can become a big red button of rage.
Since I am a wife, hence a woman, I’m going to harp on you girls. Shame on you! Shame on me! Contentious, combative behavior has no place anywhere in our marriages, no matter what the circumstance.
No amount of nagging, pouting or shouting will transform your husband into your ideal.
Proverbs says that a wife who shames her husband is like bone cancer. She is deadly. Her goal, whether she recognizes it or not, is to cause pain and destroy her husband. If God says rotten bones are the result of reproaching your husband, how can you think nagging will improve him? Proverbs describes the argumentative, harping wife much like the winter weather we get here in Seattle…gray and drippy wet. How can something so depressing transform your husband into Prince Charming? More likely you are going to end up with an ogre! Proverbs also says a husband would rather sleep on the sofa than be around wife aggro. Your aggressive behavior will drive him away, not endear him to you. When confronted with wife aggro, the husband will choose either fight or flight.
Proverbs 27 says that a complaining, nagging woman is unrestrainable. It is easier to harness a tornado. She is out of control. How hopeless a husband who is faced with this must feel? You may be convincing him not to change, but to avoid you. Instead of motivating him to do what you want, you are sucking the life from him and pointing him toward depression. Complaining about your spouse’s behavior will only succeed in wrecking your marriage, not improving it.
You married a man, not a child. Treat him like one.
Yes, even when you think he is acting childish, treat him like a man. What does this mean?
You don’t need to tell him right from wrong. He knows. He can decide for himself. Let him.
A man has responsibilities. This means when he does not fulfill his responsibilities, he has consequences to face. He is strong enough to face them, and will rise to the challenge. When you take over those responsibilities, he is no longer a man, but a child that you are picking up after.
You talk at a child to teach him when he is wrong, you talk with a man to understand him. Try assuming he is always right. Yes, I know you all burst into loud laughter at that thought, but really, what will it hurt but your pride to try it for a month or so? When he realizes that you expect him to be right, he will weigh his actions differently. Don’t agree to disagree, agree. I’m telling you, this is the quickest way to finding your Prince Charming. And, listening to him explain a birdie or why he chose a rogue over a warrior will transform you into his beautiful princess!
God is on your side…when you are on His.
We all live with men we want to improve. And, we all have an idea of what that improvement should look like. After all, it is much easier to see his faults than our own. But if you believe me when I say that no amount of nagging, pouting or shouting will transform your husband into your ideal, then you may be wondering if there is any hope at all to seeing change in this man you’ve vowed to enjoy for the rest of your life! There is!
Wives, God wants your husband to be righteous (live in the right way) more than you do! That puts God on your side! And that places your hope in the right place; not on your man, but on God. That also motivates a different kind of behavior in you. 1 Peter says that holy women in the past placed their confidence in God, and then made themselves beautiful for their husbands by putting their husband’s desires first. They found out what their husbands wanted and then got behind it. But notice, their confidence (or hope) was properly placed before they changed their behavior.
A woman who places her confidence in her husband is asking for misery, because most men (and women) will mess up. When a husband fails, a woman who placed all her hope on him, will be devastated and will become bitter. But, a woman who trusted that God will care for her and is working all things toward the best end, will find forgiveness easy to give and will worry less for her future. She is able to support her husband, even in his failure, because her strength is in God.
Let me explain how this looked in my marriage.
My husband’s dream early in our marriage was to own a successful small business. This meant he had to raise money that we did not have. Well, I worried. How would we pay it back if the business failed? Is it right to borrow so much? The old adage, “Neither borrower nor lender be…” echoed round and round. I nagged him about it. I questioned him countless times about the rightness of it. I did not support his decisions. Then, I woke one night sweating and panicking, terrified of the life of debt he was leading us into. A verse whispered to me from my memory, “When I am afraid, I will trust.” And that was my rebuke and my salvation. I did not trust God enough to obey my husband in a beautiful way. That night I confessed my doubts and proved my faith in God by supporting my husband’s efforts and working my ass off however I could to ensure success. My fear evaporated and so did my wife aggro.
Let God do the changing. Don’t get in the way.
God wants my husband to be godly more than I do. But, the change did not happen in a comfortable way. What change does? For us, change only happened through a failed business and many years of paying off debt. But in the trials, godliness began to take shape. I noticed my husband learning lessons with humility. And surprisingly, so was I. When I stopped being a disagreeable, nagging wife, I was opening the door for God to change my husband for me.
Many times, it takes failure or bad consequences to prod us into changing. As wives, we fear God spanking our husbands because we know it will hurt us too! So we nag and warn and try to motivate them to change without letting God simply bust in and do some discipline, if that is what it takes.
If you are a Christian wife who recognizes you are giving your husband wife aggro, will you begin to trust God and learn to be beautiful by getting behind your husband’s desires instead of blasting them? God will bless you both when you do.
→ 6 CommentsTags: Christian wife, marriage
The Gender Dance
By Chris Bruno Tuesday, November 18th, 2008The synchronicity of their steps and the playful determination in their eyes reveal both oneness and distinctness of being. The two dancers float buoyantly around the floor, he gently yet firmly guiding their movement, she illuminating and filling the motion with captivating sensuality. Both man and woman co-create beauty, strength, passion and tenderness as they engage in the dance. Alone, the dance has no existence. Isolated, it has no form. It is in the coming together, in the mutuality of movement and purpose, that fills the space with splendor and writes the story of Edenic union.
In the opening chapters of Genesis, the writer of the creation narrative provides us with an interesting archetype of gender. Throughout the first days, each animal receives its unique identity, indicated by the words “after its kind,” as well as the command to multiply. Biologically, we know that in order to “fill the earth” animals were created with complementary anatomies that would bring forth offspring. However, it is not until the creation of mankind in Genesis 1:27 that we receive the delineation of “male and female,” and this only subsequent to the crowning pinnacle of receiving God’s own image. In this brilliant narrative, the author of the creation account separates maleness and femaleness from mere anatomical bestowings, and sets them apart in direct linkage with the imago dei, the image of God. As a result, though physical similarities may exist between a man and a lion, and between a woman and lioness, masculinity and femininity reside fully and solely within the image-bearing natures of human man and human woman. Gender, therefore, is not indicated by physical anatomy, but rather by the unique image-bearing gifted separately yet complementarily to men and women.
Unpacking the origins of man and woman, Genesis 2 enlightens us further on the nature of gender. Prior to the establishment of the garden, God forms man. This word “form,” transliterated as yatsar, is the same word used in reference to the creation of the beasts and the birds. God, in essence, takes raw materials and, with the mastery of a potter, shapes them into the being named Adam. He then takes this being and subsequently places him in the garden called Eden. Adam is formed in the outback, then placed into the garden.
After no suitable counterpart is found for Adam from among all of God’s creatures, God removes a portion of the already-formed man, and from it fashions woman. This verb, transliterated as banah, is used throughout the book of Genesis, and is typically translated “build.” Interestingly God does not “form” Eve, but “builds” her. He takes that which is already created from Adam’s being and builds from it that which will complement, complete and help Adam. This verb banah is used repeatedly in the Old Testament in reference to building homes, cities and the like. In reference to Eve, then, it is as if God takes the essence of man and builds or fashions from it a dwelling place for masculinity to be “at home.” The relationship between Adam and Eve, between the masculine and the feminine, represent both the raw creation as well as its place of dwelling. A man without a home is lost. A woman without an indweller is lonely.
Marriage, therefore, in the first chapters of Genesis, is the culmination of meaning for the fullness of the image of God. In this covenantal union between man and woman, the imago dei has both the ruling, rough and raw nature of Adam combined with the beauty, building and bosom of Eve. Gender remains not as an indicator of distinction between man and woman, as is often assumed, but rather as a sign of the fullness of God’s great image implanted in the human race. Two sides of the same coin, though imprinted with different images, make up the coin itself. There is no separation of one side from the other, and neither side contains more value. Both are necessary, both are complementary, and both bear a necessary image. Ultimate Edenic marriage, though now marred irreparably by the fall, finds poetic proclamation in Adam’s song: “bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh.” The two are one, designed to be one, and hold and fulfill the other.
By design, gender is more about the dance than we imagine it could be. And marriage is more about the image bearing than we dare to dream. The fullness of masculinity combined with the fullness of femininity display the grandeur of God more than anything else in all creation. It is a dance of love between man and woman, but far more between God and His creation.
→ 2 CommentsTags: gender
Tozer on Sanctification of the Believer
By Brent Rood Thursday, November 13th, 2008Progress in the Christian life is exactly equal to the growing knowledge we gain of the Triune God in personal experience. And such experience requires a whole life devoted to it and plenty of time spent at the holy task of cultivating God. God can be known satisfactorily only as we devote time to Him. Without meaning to do it we have written our serious fault into our book titles and gospel songs. ’”A little talk with Jesus,” we sing, and we call our books “God’s Minute,” or something else as revealing. The Christian who is satisfied to give God His “minute” and to have “a little talk with Jesus” is the same one who shows up at the evangelistic service weeping over his retarded spiritual growth and begging the evangelist to show him the way out of his difficulty. The Root of the Righteous
This was written in the 60’s, but I think it has great benefit for us today. Many Christians who grew up in a home where we were constantly told to “do our devotions” or “have daily prayer time” have reacted against routine and discipline. The pendulum has now swung to shallow and weak spirituality. There are times we need to go Old School and I think more discipline in a routined prayer life is one of them. Food for thought.
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Don’t Wait
By Phil Higley Thursday, November 13th, 2008
“See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil.” Eph 5:15-16
Jonathan Edwards said, “Time is very precious because, when it is past, it cannot be recovered. There are many things that people possess, which if they part with they can obtain again. If a man has parted with something he had, not knowing the worth of it or the need he might have of it, he often can regain it—-at least with effort and cost. But it is not so with respect to time. Once time is gone, it is gone forever; no pains, no cost will recover it. Although we repent ever so much that we let it pass, and did not use it well while we had it, it will mean nothing. Every part of time is successively offered to us, that we may choose whether or not we will make it our own. But there is no delay. It will not wait on us to see whether or not we will comply with the offer. But if we refuse, it is immediately taken away, and never offered again. As to that part of time that is gone, however we have neglected to use it well, it is out of our possession and out of our reach.”
There is coming a day when all will wonder what they could have done better with the time that was given them; the people they could have said “I love you” to, or the ones they could have said “I forgive you” to. Take Edwards’s perspective on time seriously. If you have anyone you need to reconcile a relationship with, then don’t wait, don’t waste anymore time. Go and reconcile the relationship and forgive that person, or perhaps accept their forgiveness. If you have any goals that you’ve been putting off, then don’t wait, but go out and do them.
It’s kind of cliche, but life is indeed short. The analogical example is limited but consider that a person in their right mind would never throw money in the trash or invest in fools gold. Why then would we treat our time any different? At least one can make money; but, they can’t make time!
Don’t wait…
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Supporting a Post-Divorce Marriage
By Tim Ellis Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008A friend of mine recently asked my opinion on whether or not Christians should support a brother or sister in Christ that is getting married after their first spouse divorced them despite their desire to reconcile.
This is what I shared with my friend, based on what I consider to be common sense and a general understanding of the nature of God.
God is love, and as such, wants only the best for His children. For God to have a rule that says “if you get married, then your spouse totally turns on you and breaks the marriage bond and vows… well sorry, you’re out of luck,” I cannot reconcile that as being loving.
When you are married, you and your spouse make vows to love, honor, protect, etc… as long as you live. When one spouse decides to break those vows and dissolve the marriage over the objections of the other, how can the unwilling spouse continue to keep their vow? Obviously they can’t. The vows have been broken by the divorcing spouse, and that’s it, they’re broken, no matter what the other spouse does.
I think Jesus was very clear that divorce simply should not happen, period.
It was said, ‘WHOEVER SENDS HIS WIFE AWAY, LET HIM GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE’; but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
(Matthew 5:31-32, NASB)
Paul reiterates this as well:
But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife.
(1 Corinthians 7:10-11, NASB)
Notice though that Jesus’ statement that “everyone who divorces his wife… makes her commit adultery…” doesn’t depend on any action on behalf of the wife. But is he really saying that if a husband divorces his wife, she is now immediately guilty of the sin of adultery, regardless of her own actions (i.e. – whether she remarries or not)?
Reading it that way doesn’t seem to make any sense to me. What I think is more likely is that he was using extreme language to illustrate just how awful God views divorce, as opposed to laying down some sort of specific rule regarding divorce.
The surrounding context of that same passage seems to support this view. For example, was Jesus literally encouraging his followers to physically tear out their eyes in verse 29? Or does verse 22 really 18mean that uttering the words “you fool” is a one-way express ticket to Hell? I don’t think so.
I think that the passages that talk about divorce are trying to get across a pretty basic point: God hates divorce. I don’t think they’re laying down some sort of cryptic and illogical code that permanently shackles the innocent victim of a divorce to a lifetime of solitude, because frankly, I don’t think that fits with God’s nature.
I would have no personal problem supporting the marriage of someone that was the unwilling victim of a divorce in the past.
In addition, you also have to consider these words of Jesus as well:
Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.
(Luke 17:3-4, NASB)
Which would seem to me to indicate that even if the person in question were the one responsible for the divorce, if they have repented and asked for the forgiveness, God has forgiven them and we should as well.
That’s my $0.02 anyway.
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