by Kay Bonikowsky

Should our feelings determine truth about God? I think a lot of Christians would say, "Yes, they do." Two reasons why I believe this. There are more, I'm sure, but these are at the top of my swirling thoughts.

First, Christian authorities have taught us to listen for promptings or "feelings" of the Spirit moving us to do some action. I'm not delving into the validity of this here, but this teaching emphasizes feelings as a source of truth. "If I feel God telling me to do something, I'd better do it or I will be out of God's will." Secondly, our vocabulary emphasizes what we feel. We have replaced the verbs think, believe and desire with feel. For instance, "I feel like ice cream" equals "I desire ice cream." "This verse makes me feel I should pray more" equals "This verse makes me believe I should pray more." "I feel you feel I'm mad at you" equals "I think you believe I'm mad at you." Each time we replace the more specific verb with feel, we give our feelings (random emotion) the validity of belief, rational thought and legitimate yearning. Hence, our feelings become what we believe to be true and what we think we really want.

I am sensitive to this because I watched the first installment of Oprah's A New Earth webcast. She is thrilled with her new religion and is on a mission to teach the world (literally) to accept what she feels to be right. Yet, she is loath to call it a religion, it is spirituality. Oprah reconciles this new spirituality with her Christian beliefs: "I took God out of the box." She says didn't like the doctrine of God being jealous. "Something about that didn't feel right in my spirit. Because I believe that God is love, and that God is in all things. That's when the search for something more than doctrine started to stir within me... God, in the essence of all consciousness isn't something to believe. God is. And God is a feeling experience, not a believing experience. And if your religion is a believing experience, if God for you is still about a belief, then it's not truly God." She says this is one of the most frequent questions on her message boards. How to reconcile Christian beliefs with this new spirituality of feeling.

I'm surprised and relieved that Christians can still see there is a difference! Yay! Because...

If our feelings determine truth about God, then Oprah may be right. Hell, Warren Jeffs may be right, too! How can we determine if one leader's feelings are more legitimate than another's? Whether our feelings confirm theirs? What about those of us that don't really feel? Can we have a chance at spirituality without passionate feelings? And what about those whose feelings flip-flop? One day they feel terrific about God, the next they feel ambivalent. Do we base the validity of God, or the "god consciousness," on this person's fickleness?

We are cautioned about following our feelings in the book of Proverbs. The way that seems right, often isn't. Jeremiah warns us about trusting our heart. It deceives us. It tricks us in ways beyond our understanding. It is an incurable villain. God says it’s foolish to trust our own "truth." He asks us to turn our hearts in confidence to Him. (Proverbs 3:5) It is His ideas, His words, His instruction that determine if our thoughts, desires and feelings are right-on or will lead us into a heap of trouble.

My dad, who was a pilot, used this illustration. Learning to fly with instruments is learning to distrust your feelings. Having an IFR (Instrument Flight Rating) meant that you could fly in inclement weather and still navigate. A pilot without IFR would be grounded in fog or at night because he could not see to orient himself on his height, direction, speed, even which way is up! When a pilot cannot see the earth, his altimeter become his eyes. He bases his judgment not on what he feels is right, but on what his altitude gauge is indicating. To train in IFR, the new pilot wears a hood that blocks his view out the windows. Only the instrument panel is visible. The pilot must learn to trust what his instruments are telling him regardless of how his body is feeling. Spatial disorientation is when a pilot loses his sense of direction, height and speed when flying. It is the most common factor of plane crashes. The pilot trusts the illusion, which is his body deceiving his mind, disregards the gauges and flies straight into the ground. We are disorientated when we trust our feelings and base our life decisions on them. It is a way that leads to misery, and in the case of John Kennedy Jr., literally death.

God could have chosen our feelings to reveal Himself. Maybe He even did, originally in the Garden. But in this sinful era, it is the mysterious Word that had the power to take on flesh that we must rely on. Our feelings will disorient and wreck us if we live by them.

Labels: Kay

by Beth Bruno

"We will always have the poor among us." Matthew 12:8

A friend recently muttered this as a half-hearted justification for not knowing what to do with the homeless population in Seattle. I could tell she knew it was a lame excuse, but felt let off the hook because she was quoting Jesus after all. Honestly, I immediately envisioned all of the beggars who came knocking on my car window in Istanbul, most of whom were children. I can still hear Aidan and Ella's questions, "Mommy, what do they want? Where are there parents?" I never knew what to do. I felt uneasy, but had nothing to add to my friend's comments.

In Matthew, Jesus is quoting a portion of Deuteronomy 15:11. It's interesting how few of us know what the rest of the verse says, "That is why I am commanding you to share your resources freely with the poor and with other Israelites in need." In fact, back in verse 4, it says, "There should be no poor among you, for the Lord your God will greatly bless you in the land he is giving you as a special possession... If there are any poor people in your towns when you arrive in the land the Lord your God is giving you, do not be hard-hearted or tightfisted toward them. Instead, be generous and lend them whatever they need."

I wonder how that applies today. One third of the world's population lives in prosperity, while 2/3 of the population lives in poverty. The top 1% of the population own 40% of the wealth. The top 5% own 70% of the wealth. Two billion people live on less than $2 a day. These are staggering numbers. This is extreme poverty.

A few nights ago, Chris and I were able to attend a benefit for International Justice Mission and hear the president, Gary Haugen, speak passionately about their fight against injustice. He said that the main source of the poverty they combat is violence. Often, the child is homeless because they chose the street over sexual abuse in the home. Women have AIDS because they were inflicted with the disease through perpetual rape. Villages are illiterate because they are forced to slave in a brick factory 7 days a week.

More than weather, famine, bad luck, and bad choices, the poverty IJM battles exists because of intentional violence. And before food, shelter, education, and micro-loans can be put to good use, these people need their freedom!

This was a different perspective for me to consider. And yet, of course oppression would lead to poverty. It's only natural then to connect freedom with prosperity. Jesus came to set the oppressed free, to loosen every yoke. Yes, we will always have the poor among us. But we don't have to!

As believers in a prosperous powerful country, I believe we have the privilege of "sharing our resources freely with the poor" and not being "hard-hearted or tightfisted toward them." Whether they are poor in spirit, poor in nourishment, or poor in justice, it's a blessing to respond. We get to join God in loosening the chains of injustice and setting the oppressed free. (Isaiah 58:6-7)

Labels: Beth

by Chris Bruno
part 4 of a 4-part series

click here for Part 1
click here for Part 2
click here for Part 3

Negative Interpretations

Negative interpretations occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. In essence, rather than believing the best about the other, it's assuming the worst. You "read into" the words of your spouse, and re-interpret them in such a way that assumes they mean something negative when they don't.

CARL: Let's talk about the camping trip. I really think it would be fun for my parents to come too.
JEN: Don't you think camping in the woods would be hard for them? I mean, they are over 75.
CARL: I know you don't like them. Can't you just admit that you don't want them to come because of that?
JEN: That's not what I am saying at all. I was merely saying that hiking all day and sleeping on the ground might not suit them.
CARL: That's a convenient excuse. [storms out of room]

This pattern of communication is extremely difficult to detect and change. It requires a complete mental shift. Basically, it begins with "reframing" your spouse as one who is beautifully created by God, and bears within him/her His image. That is something glorious, and worthy of being seen. Indeed, all of us suffer from sin's markings. But rather than focus on the darkness in your spouse, begin trying to see the glimmers of light, or even the ways God is working in their lives. In essence, embrace the following principle in your marriage: "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:8. This requires some serious internal work.

CARL: Let's talk about the camping trip. I really think it would be fun for my parents to come too.
JEN: Don't you think camping in the woods would be hard for them? I mean, they are over 75.
CARL: Yeah, they might be a little uncomfortable. I know it's hard for you sometimes when they are around. Is that it?
JEN: No. I honestly think that if we're going to do something with them, we should find something that would be easier for them physically.
CARL: Thanks. It's really great of you to think about what they might want.

No one can say that communication in marriage is easy. And no marriage is completely conflict free. However, WHEN conflicts occur, each of us has a choice as to how we will respond...not just to the conflict, but to the valuable person who is our spouse. As married couples, we are each other's most intimate of allies.
May God build strong marriages at Seed Church.

---

Some of the material in this series of posts was drawn from chapter from a book by Markman, Stanley and Blumberg, "Fighting for your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love," pp. 13-34.

Labels: Chris, marriage

by Chris Bruno
part 3 of a 4-part series

click here for Part 1
click here for Part 2

Withdrawal and Avoidance

Do you ever want to run away from a conversation with your spouse? Wouldn't it be easier to just find an excuse to run to the store, or find something else to talk about? Withdrawal can be as subtle as "shutting down" in the midst of an argument, showing your unwillingness to "go there." Basically, you tune out. Avoidance is basically the same thing, but has more emphasis on preventing the conversation from happening in the first place. In essence, you know the conversation is about to happen, so you either start talking about something else, or you do something that makes it impossible to talk about it then.

JAN: Scotty got in trouble at school again today. When are we going to figure out what's going on?
FRED: [looking stressed] Honey, can't this wait? I need to finish this report.
JAN: This just the 5th time he's had troubles, and it's like the zillionth time I've tried to talk about it. When are we gonna talk?
FRED: [tensing] Why can't you just deal with it? What have I got to do with it?
JAN: [tearing up] He's YOUR son too. It just seems like you never want to talk about him.
FRED: [getting up] It's obvious I'm not gonna get anything done here. I'm heading to the café where MAYBE I can finish my report.

In this kind of interchange, one person is the pursuer, and one is the withdrawer. Interestingly, studies show that women are most often the one who pursues a discussion about a topic, and men are most likely to withdraw. Research clearly shows that male withdrawal and avoidance are clear predictors of problems now and in the future.

Stepping into a difficult conversation is not easy. Staying with one is even harder. But the more an individual can handle addressing the issues brought up by their spouse, the healthier the marriage. To help, you might consider a conversation negotiation where you come to a mutual agreement about when and where the needed conversation will take place.

JAN: Scotty got in trouble at school again today. When are we going to figure out what's going on?
FRED: [looking stressed] I know this is an issue. I need to get this report done for tomorrow. What do you say we sit down with a glass of wine after the kids are in bed and talk this through. That'll give me a chance to finish the report so that I don't have it on my mind when we're talking.
JAN: Promise?
FRED: You got it.

Principle: "Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man, 'Where are you?' He answered, 'I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.'" Genesis 3:8-10

Tomorrow we'll discuss the fourth and final category of marital conflict: Negative Interpretations

Labels: Chris, marriage

by Chris Bruno
part 2 of a 4-part series

click here for Part 1

Invalidation

Invalidation is a pattern which one partner subtly or directly puts down the thoughts, feelings or character of the other. These can be intentional or unintentional, but have the weight of a direct insult aimed at degrading the other. In a sense, it is as if you have become enemies with your spouse, and are looking for ways to squash them. Let's look at a sample:

HENRY: [feeling down] I can't believe they didn't appreciate all the work I put into that presentation I gave today.
JANE: I'm sure they just didn't say so. If it wasn't negative feedback, then it must have been positive.
HENRY: You just don't get it. It really frustrated me.
JANE: [turning to stir a pot on the stove] I just think you're overreacting.

In an interchange that involves invalidation, it's not so much that direct insults are hurled at one another. Rather, it's the sense that the feelings contained within the words are not seen as appropriate. In the above conversation, Jane may even feel that she's being helpful by pointing out that Henry is overreacting. But in fact, she's invalidating his feelings of disappointment and frustration.

Often, the point of communication is not so much in the information, but in the emotion under the words. Paying attention to those underlying feelings can communicate incredible respect and validation to your partner.

HENRY: [feeling down] I can't believe they didn't appreciate all the work I put into that presentation I gave today.
JANE: That must have really ticked you off.
HENRY: You bet. I work so hard, and I just want to be recognized for it. I'm starting to get scared that they don't like my work at all.
JANE: I didn't know you felt that way. Tell me more about it.

Principle: "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:13

On Friday we'll look at the third category of conflict: Withdrawal and avoidance.

Labels: Chris, marriage

by Chris Bruno
part 1 of a 4-part series

Do you know what an "ally" is? Who is your ally? Did you know that as God continues his work in you over the course of your lifespan, HIS ally in your life is your spouse? Indeed, the person He has designed to aid Him most in your sanctification is (no, not your kids!), but your spouse!

So why do we have marital conflict? And what can we do that will show VALUE to our life's ally? Here are some simple yet powerful communication patterns that arise in the midst of conflicts, ones you should be aware of and work hard to circumvent.

When a conflict occurs, we often see the following four categories:

1. Escalation
   
2. Invalidation
   
3. Withdrawal and avoidance
   
4. Negative interpretations

Escalation

Escalation occurs when partners respond back and forth to each other. One person says something, the other responds negatively, which invokes an even more negative response from the other, which in turn produces an even more hurtful response back. This can go on and on, to the ultimate detriment of the marriage. Come on, you know what I'm talking about.

JOHN: [sarcastically] How many times do I have to tell you to put the receipts in this folder?!
SALLY: [equally sarcastic] Well, it's not like you do anything with them anyway.
JOHN: As a matter of fact, I DO do stuff with them. I've just been working so hard lately, I haven't had time.
SALLY: Oh, so you don't think I'M working hard too? Is that it? Maybe I should just get my own checking account and see how your receipts look then.
JOHN: Maybe you should. No one's stopping you. It certainly would make my life easier.

Can you feel the conflict escalating? The heat between John and Sally is rising. One of the most damaging things about these kinds of escalating arguments is that both parties often end up saying things they don't mean. They threaten the very lifeblood of their marriage in an attempt to hurt the other. Once these words come out of our mouths, the damage CAN be undone, but it is extremely difficult.

But conflict doesn't have to escalate. All couples have conflicts where the temperature rises from time to time, but a key tool in handling conflict is short-circuiting escalation. In essence, it is 1) recognizing that it is happening; 2) being the first to soften your tone; and 3) acknowledge WHAT your partner is trying to say and without reacting to HOW they are saying it.

SARA: [annoyed] You left the toilet seat up again.
TOM: [irritated] What's the big deal? Just put it down.
SARA: [softening her tone] Things like that are just important to me, especially with guests coming over tonight.
TOM: [calmer] Ok. I get that. Sorry I was snotty about it.

Principle: "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1

Come back Wednesday for Part 2: Invalidation

Labels: Chris, marriage

by Christy Rood

My husband and I like to take a book with us on some of our dinner dates. No, it's not the Bible - we're not so spiritual as to have couples' devotions over a steak dinner at The Keg. We bring a conversation starter book with bunches of questions. Sometimes we use it, and sometimes we don't, but it helps steer the conversation away from the day to day church or kids stuff. Anyway, the very first question in the book is, "If you were to be stranded on an island for the rest of your life, who is the one person [we eliminated each other] you'd MOST want to be stranded with and why?" (Then, of course, it goes on to ask who you'd least want to be stranded with, which was fun to discuss.) Now you're all wondering who we came up with - wouldn't you like to know??? I'll spare those details, but I will say that after pondering the question, we came up with our answers, and found that the people were different, but the why was the same. If we could only choose one, we'd go with the person who would most stimulate us intellectually. We couldn't think of a worse hell than living out the rest of our days bored to tears, so we tried to think of the people we know who have the most interesting subject matter tucked away ready to pull out for good conversation.

The fact is, we are naturally drawn to people who are self-improvers. They are well-informed about a variety of subjects and are always learning something new, either from books or classes or experiences. I went through a period of about 5 years after college when other than the Bible, I basically didn't read anything I wasn't forced to read. I had been through 16 years of school, and figured I needed a break. Now, thankfully I married a man who loves to read and regurgitates everything he is studying, so I learned a lot through osmosis. But, as far as learning on my own, I just didn't discipline myself to do much of that. I'm not sure what changed in me - maybe I just got bored of myself - but there came a point when I was fed up with my lazy mind, and decided to finally do something about it. I actually made a cheesy New Years resolution one year that I would never be without a book on my bedside table that I was reading, and with very few exceptions, I have kept that resolution ever since. And now, I don't have to discipline myself to read. If I don't have a book going, there's a hole in my life.

I have a great example of this in my parents. I don't remember a time growing up when my parents didn't each have a stack of books on either side of the bed. Weekly trips to the library were routine - Mom & Dad upstairs perusing the grown-up books, and us kids downstairs picking out books for ourselves or reading comics (has anyone else grown up on Tin Tin?). Their love of learning hasn't slowed down a bit, and isn't likely to anytime soon. Albert Einstein said, "Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death." That's how I want to end up - one foot in the grave and the other in the bookstore.

Is lifelong learning a biblical concept? Many a student has used Ecclesiastes 12:12 ("...much study wearies the body") as proof that studying is pointless. And, Paul warns against too much learning without heart application in 2 Tim. 3:7 ("always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth") and I Cor. 13. It's true that just stuffing more knowledge into your head will not do you any good in light of eternity. Too many Christians, however, read verses such as the ones above and conclude that all learning is vain. In Proverbs, we learn that wisdom is the learning and application of truth; but how can application occur without learning? Still other Christians agree that learning scripture is crucial, but reading anything other than the Bible or Christian books is a waste of time at best, and dangerous at worst. The literal definition of wisdom in Proverbs is the skill of living. The most important knowledge we gain is from scripture, but developing the skill of living could cover a huge range of subjects. Continual learning enables missional Christians to, like Paul, "become all things to all men." Learning a trade enables us to provide for our families. Learning new skills gives us confidence and enriches our lives. And, if nothing else, learning will give you some great topics of conversation in case you're ever stuck on a desert island with 1 friend.

Labels: Christy, conversations, desert