Fighting FOR Your Marriage, Not WITH It (Part 4)
By Chris Bruno | May 3, 2008
Negative Interpretations
Negative interpretations occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. In essence, rather than believing the best about the other, it’s assuming the worst. You “read into” the words of your spouse, and re-interpret them in such a way that assumes they mean something negative when they don’t.
CARL: Let’s talk about the camping trip. I really think it would be fun for my parents to come too.
JEN: Don’t you think camping in the woods would be hard for them? I mean, they are over 75.
CARL: I know you don’t like them. Can’t you just admit that you don’t want them to come because of that?
JEN: That’s not what I am saying at all. I was merely saying that hiking all day and sleeping on the ground might not suit them.
CARL: That’s a convenient excuse. [storms out of room]
This pattern of communication is extremely difficult to detect and change. It requires a complete mental shift. Basically, it begins with “reframing” your spouse as one who is beautifully created by God, and bears within him/her His image. That is something glorious, and worthy of being seen. Indeed, all of us suffer from sin’s markings. But rather than focus on the darkness in your spouse, begin trying to see the glimmers of light, or even the ways God is working in their lives. In essence, embrace the following principle in your marriage: “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8. This requires some serious internal work.
CARL: Let’s talk about the camping trip. I really think it would be fun for my parents to come too.
JEN: Don’t you think camping in the woods would be hard for them? I mean, they are over 75.
CARL: Yeah, they might be a little uncomfortable. I know it’s hard for you sometimes when they are around. Is that it?
JEN: No. I honestly think that if we’re going to do something with them, we should find something that would be easier for them physically.
CARL: Thanks. It’s really great of you to think about what they might want.
No one can say that communication in marriage is easy. And no marriage is completely conflict free. However, WHEN conflicts occur, each of us has a choice as to how we will respond…not just to the conflict, but to the valuable person who is our spouse. As married couples, we are each other’s most intimate of allies.
May God build strong marriages at Seed Church.
Some of the material in this series of posts was drawn from chapter from a book by Markman, Stanley and Blumberg, “Fighting for your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love,” pp. 13-34.
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Thank you Chris. Good insight.