Fighting FOR Your Marriage, Not WITH It (Part 3)
By Chris Bruno | May 2, 2008
Withdrawal and Avoidance
JAN: Scotty got in trouble at school again today. When are we going to figure out what’s going on?
FRED: [looking stressed] Honey, can’t this wait? I need to finish this report.
JAN: This just the 5th time he’s had troubles, and it’s like the zillionth time I’ve tried to talk about it. When are we gonna talk?
FRED: [tensing] Why can’t you just deal with it? What have I got to do with it?
JAN: [tearing up] He’s YOUR son too. It just seems like you never want to talk about him.
FRED: [getting up] It’s obvious I’m not gonna get anything done here. I’m heading to the café where MAYBE I can finish my report.
In this kind of interchange, one person is the pursuer, and one is the withdrawer. Interestingly, studies show that women are most often the one who pursues a discussion about a topic, and men are most likely to withdraw. Research clearly shows that male withdrawal and avoidance are clear predictors of problems now and in the future.
Stepping into a difficult conversation is not easy. Staying with one is even harder. But the more an individual can handle addressing the issues brought up by their spouse, the healthier the marriage. To help, you might consider a conversation negotiation where you come to a mutual agreement about when and where the needed conversation will take place.
JAN: Scotty got in trouble at school again today. When are we going to figure out what’s going on?
FRED: [looking stressed] I know this is an issue. I need to get this report done for tomorrow. What do you say we sit down with a glass of wine after the kids are in bed and talk this through. That’ll give me a chance to finish the report so that I don’t have it on my mind when we’re talking.
JAN: Promise?
FRED: You got it.
Principle: “Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man, ‘Where are you?’ He answered, ‘I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.’” Genesis 3:8-10
Tomorrow we’ll discuss the fourth and final category of marital conflict: Negative Interpretations
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