Fighting FOR Your Marriage, Not WITH It (Part 2)
By Chris Bruno | April 30, 2008
Invalidation
HENRY: [feeling down] I can’t believe they didn’t appreciate all the work I put into that presentation I gave today.
JANE: I’m sure they just didn’t say so. If it wasn’t negative feedback, then it must have been positive.
HENRY: You just don’t get it. It really frustrated me.
JANE: [turning to stir a pot on the stove] I just think you’re overreacting.
In an interchange that involves invalidation, it’s not so much that direct insults are hurled at one another. Rather, it’s the sense that the feelings contained within the words are not seen as appropriate. In the above conversation, Jane may even feel that she’s being helpful by pointing out that Henry is overreacting. But in fact, she’s invalidating his feelings of disappointment and frustration.
Often, the point of communication is not so much in the information, but in the emotion under the words. Paying attention to those underlying feelings can communicate incredible respect and validation to your partner.
HENRY: [feeling down] I can’t believe they didn’t appreciate all the work I put into that presentation I gave today.
JANE: That must have really ticked you off.
HENRY: You bet. I work so hard, and I just want to be recognized for it. I’m starting to get scared that they don’t like my work at all.
JANE: I didn’t know you felt that way. Tell me more about it.
Principle: “But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” Hebrews 3:13
On Friday we’ll look at the third category of conflict: Withdrawal and avoidance.
Topics: Blog | No Comments »
This post has been viewed 134 times.Leave a Reply
« Fighting FOR Your Marriage, Not WITH It | Home | Fighting FOR Your Marriage, Not WITH It (Part 3) »
