Fighting FOR Your Marriage, Not WITH It
By Chris Bruno | April 28, 2008
part 1 of a 4-part series
Do you know what an “ally” is? Who is your ally? Did you know that as God continues his work in you over the course of your lifespan, HIS ally in your life is your spouse? Indeed, the person He has designed to aid Him most in your sanctification is (no, not your kids!), but your spouse!
So why do we have marital conflict? And what can we do that will show VALUE to our life’s ally? Here are some simple yet powerful communication patterns that arise in the midst of conflicts, ones you should be aware of and work hard to circumvent.
When a conflict occurs, we often see the following four categories:
- Escalation
- Invalidation
- Withdrawal and avoidance
- Negative interpretations
Escalation
Escalation occurs when partners respond back and forth to each other. One person says something, the other responds negatively, which invokes an even more negative response from the other, which in turn produces an even more hurtful response back. This can go on and on, to the ultimate detriment of the marriage. Come on, you know what I’m talking about.
JOHN: [sarcastically] How many times do I have to tell you to put the receipts in this folder?!
SALLY: [equally sarcastic] Well, it’s not like you do anything with them anyway.
JOHN: As a matter of fact, I DO do stuff with them. I’ve just been working so hard lately, I haven’t had time.
SALLY: Oh, so you don’t think I’M working hard too? Is that it? Maybe I should just get my own checking account and see how your receipts look then.
JOHN: Maybe you should. No one’s stopping you. It certainly would make my life easier.
Can you feel the conflict escalating? The heat between John and Sally is rising. One of the most damaging things about these kinds of escalating arguments is that both parties often end up saying things they don’t mean. They threaten the very lifeblood of their marriage in an attempt to hurt the other. Once these words come out of our mouths, the damage CAN be undone, but it is extremely difficult.
But conflict doesn’t have to escalate. All couples have conflicts where the temperature rises from time to time, but a key tool in handling conflict is short-circuiting escalation. In essence, it is 1) recognizing that it is happening; 2) being the first to soften your tone; and 3) acknowledge WHAT your partner is trying to say and without reacting to HOW they are saying it.
SARA: [annoyed] You left the toilet seat up again.
TOM: [irritated] What’s the big deal? Just put it down.
SARA: [softening her tone] Things like that are just important to me, especially with guests coming over tonight.
TOM: [calmer] Ok. I get that. Sorry I was snotty about it.
Principle: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1
Come back Wednesday for Part 2: Invalidation
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